Cravity

I'm not a photographer, but I'm doing as much as I can with the camera on my phone. Of course, that's pretty much nothing.

Fab that vocab

This blog is basically a lot of nefarious writing. It has no substance or meaning. It comes out like a rant.

I'm a writer. What I'm lacking is polish. That smooth counter that can only be found after lots of work. Lots of articles. Lots of poetry. Lots of stories.

So I'll try. Something creative everyday for the next month?

I'm up for the challenge.

Oh, Glee is gone until spring. It's...a lugubrious occurrence.

Movin' on

I'd like to thing that I know something about life. I'd like to think that my experiences shape who I'm attempting to become. I'd like to think that life about more than just me.

Golly gee, I think a lot.

I'm in the middle of my senior year. It's a shock to me. How did I get here? Where did my 2 1/2 years go? Some people think graduating from high school is the end, but in all honesty it's the beggining. Sure, it's going to be a challenge to move 300 miles away with no friends and no family, but it's the start of something. I like to think of it as the start of my life.

Sounds pathetic, I know.

One of my biggest challenges will be leaving some of my good friends. My family will always there, but I see all these people I care about so much...moving on. Of course, I'll move on too, but it's hard to digest. In all actuality, there are very few people that I'm really, really, close to. I have lots of friends, but my inner loop is small. I think I like it that way.

But anyway, my brain hurts. Too much college talk. :) Today, I kind of realized that all of my Utah State/BYU Idaho worries were pointless. BYUI has the better journalism program.

Oh how I wanna go to Northwestern!

(Just kidding, just kidding!)

Old.

I'm sure nobody reads this anymore...but here goes.

I'm old. It makes me want to cry. I remember being a sophomore and hanging out with Eric Davies and Liz in the backroom. Oh how things have changed.

Nobody comes to my Sunday school class anymore, so I have to go to gospel doctrine, or the SLCC singles ward. All the sudden, I don't fit in anywhere. I've always fit in. I don't fit into young woman's or Sunday school. Basically the only place I really fit is on the newspaper staff, and even then it's only because they're forced to like me. :)

I'm just tired. I really miss the seniors from last year. Jason, Jose, Seth, Jen, Andrew, Danny. It's so odd, because I've been so excited to be a leader for such a long time, but now I need advice. I lead people, but in the same way, I need people to lead me. It's almost as hard being at the top as it is being at the bottom.

On a more positive note, we took over DC! We won more awards this year than we ever have before. I got close to a lot of the juniors, and it was...just a blast. I learned so much. I got to take a class from a writer from the New York Times!!

In fall, I'm headed up to Rexburg to go to BYU-I. I'm excited, but at the same time I feel like I would like to stay at home forever.

Also, I'm boy needy. It just happened. Again. Sigh. I wish my emotions could just wait until I was twenty one.

Thinking.

I am....funny. I'm really enjoying life so much, but sometimes it just gets overwhelming. There are so many thoughts running through my head. College thoughts. Newspaper thoughts. Boy thoughts. Allee thoughts. :)

Once again, I'm thinking too much.

Mmmmm.

I'm feeling...at peace. It's been a long, hard battle, but I'm finally getting somewhere.

For the first time in a few years, I really love seminary. I'm not sure if it's because I had a bad attitude before, but everytime I walk in that room I just...feel the love. I always leave happy. It's indescribable.

The princess dance is on Saturday. :) I'm really, really, thrilled. All of us journalism kids, dressin' up. It's going to be a blast.

I'm really loving the editor-in-chief thing. I'm learning slowly, and I make mistakes all the time, but I'm really having the time of my life.

Peace out :)

Choosing anger

I'm not a person to get angry often. Even in the rare moments when I'm furious, I keep it to myself.

I'm sick of me.

I'm so angry right now. So frustrated. So hurt. I hate that I can't tell people when I'm mad at them. I hate that I'm the person who's always there for everybody, but when it comes down to it, the people I stood by could care less about me. I guess I'm just a "convenience friend". Use her and then throw her out.

Most of all, I hate that I'm angry. I try so hard not to be, but I'm not really sure I can always choose not to be angry. So much pain.

There are people I wish that would read this. They won't, but I'm not sure I can express it any other way.

I guess I just have to face the fact that I can't control everything. It takes two to have a relationship, and I can't make that choice for others. Drifting apart hurts.

I want a hug from a firefly

I feel...like I'm fighting a losing battle. I really hoped it wouldn't come to this. I'm like a stinking sophomore again, but they probably have more friends than I do :) It's just hard, having classes with nobody you know. All the sudden, you're the odd one. I'm not used to that feeling anymore. It's been a REALLY hard few weeks. It's had it's up and downs, but I'm struggling...I don't know what I'm struggling with. I fit in. I date. I'm doing everything I'm supposed to.

On the other hand, this has made me extremely grateful for the friends I have. I really don't see anybody like I did last year though. Friendships don't last if there's no communication. Ah, key. So that's what I'm missing.

This all sounds terrible and negative. I am okay, just not super. I miss friends.

The worst first day in the history of the world, something must be wrong with me, but what? I feel like a rabid dawg, ready to bite. Not. Funny.

RAWR.

There's an eternal struggle that teenagers go through. It's called self-esteem. No one escapes it. The strongest ones are also the ones who struggle the most.

Can I just go to college already?

Bombdig.

I'm going back to the food bank today wif jess :)

Also....

I AM SO EXCITED FOR D.C.!

Alyssa and I will tear it up ;)

Lucky

I am so...happy. Somehow, I think I'm the luckiest person to have ever lived. I have so much to be grateful for. It's astounding to think of it all. :)

I'm not sure I can describe it. This whole summer has just been so filling (for lack of better words)

Top Ten Summer Experiences:

10Girl's Camp
9Weekly Temple Visits
8Park Nights
7Gardner Village
6Sleeping in Jessica's backyard
5Visiting Peter
4Food Bank
3Family Vacation
2Trek
1 Manti Temple

Junk in the Trunk

This was the highlight of our vacation. Doing Baptisms in the Manti temple is...undescribable.


Goofy Family :)




Goofy Kristen. Ahahahahaha. Slurpee of death.

E soup

Top Ten E's I'm feeling:

Exhausted.
Elated.
Excited.
Euphoric.
Ecstatic.
Edgy.
Erroneous.
Envious.
Effluent.
Enormous.

Yes, I feel that much. It makes me... me.

Bubble.

I feel...content. I'm ready for trek. Ready to leave behind this world I live in for a few days. It's so frustrating to me to live in a bubble. It's like I love being inside the bubble, but there's always a fear that it will pop, leaving me...nothing. I don't want to mess up. It's so hard.

>:(

I'm bummed because of the A.P. tests.

I worked SO hard.

I'm going to get a T-shirt that says, "I took three A.P. Classes and I didn't even get a T-shirt."

Unneeded.

My biggest fear in life in being unneeded.
That maybe, everybody around me doesn't really want me, they just put up with me.
That all my friends just feel bad for me.
That my family could manage without me.

that's what i'm scared of.

Still fighting it

Lyrics | Ben Folds lyrics - Still Fighting It lyrics

Gilmore-fied.

LORELAI: Oh, hi. You really like my table don't you?
JOEY: I was just, uh --
LORELAI: Getting to know my daughter.
JOEY: Your --
RORY: Are you my new daddy?
JOEY: Wow. You do not look old enough to have a daughter. No, I mean it. And you do not look like a daughter.
LORELAI: That's possibly very sweet of you Joey. Thanks.
JOEY: So...daughter. You know, I am traveling with a friend.
LORELAI: She's sixteen.
JOEY: Bye.


"Now, did anyone ever to tell you to picture the audience in their underwear? Well, don’t do it. I did it once and I had nightmares for a week. Bulgarians in Speedos." - Richard

"Do not eat chips out of a communal bowl. You might as well stick your hand in a toilet. If you're desperate, offer to be the person who replenishes them with new bags and grab a handful out of the new bag and dump the rest in the communal bowl." - Lorelai

“Rory, darling, love of my life, you realize you’ve completely cut us off from Luke’s, where the happy coffee is?” - Lorelai

Look!

Rory: If the house was burning down, what would you save first, the cake or me?
Lorelai: Not fair! The cake doesn't have legs! --Gilmorism.

I'm really just extremely happy. Sometimes, it scares me how happy I am. I'm sure it scares others too. I'm thinking about school starting, which is a good/bad thing.

I've also been pondering something. I realized today, most people don't think as much as I do. It's not that they're slower or anything like that, but more like their personality is one to take things in a different pace. I wish I could do that. I'm always moving, pouncing, moving, jumping. It's hard for me to stop. I just want to take things as they come, and not always analyze EVERYTHING.

That being said, enjoy my photographic skill. (ha. ha.)



We went to Gardner Village, and got this grab bag with a gummy eyeball. She enjoyed it a little too much :)



I threw some sparkles on Stephen.





Fy-a burning.

This can't last forever, doesn't get much better.

I think I only have three pet peeves. ONLY THREE. Most people have ten, twenty, maybe a million. They are:

1.Bad country music
2.Yelling
3.Flakes

I HATE making an effort to do something, and finding that the other person is in la-la land. UG. Also, for the record, country music makes me want to cry. I will NEVER like it. The end.

I'm on the list kick lately, so here's my latest top ten:

10. Sunshine
9.Buffalo
8.Exercise
7.Hot Dogs (By the end if summer, I'll regret this)
6. Ben Folds
5.Sister Sleepovers :)
4.Summer Seminary
3.Cute kids
2.Writing
1.The lovebug

So what? Yeah, I caught the stinking lovebug. It's a love/hate relationship. Yesterday...was so good. I feel like I'm growing up so much, in ways I can't express. I haven't born my testimony in front of my ward for years, but yesterday, I just realized it was a step that needed to be taken. I wish I could share what i'm feeling with others. It's more than just happiness. It's being full. There are times when I'm lonley, but as soon as I do what I know I'm supposed to be doing, it fades. I'm grateful. This is all really overwhelming for me, but it's good.

So that's pretty much the story of my summer. I've decided I like growing up. Until next week maybe ;)

Summer in Pit-churs.

Summah.

I guess it's time for an update.

What a way to start a blog post.

This is how my week has been:

1. Go to work.

2.Get sick from too much work.

3.Get a little better.

4.Convince myself that I'm invincible and stay up really late.

5.Get really sick.

6.Repeat.

I'm really just enjoying my summer. I didn't get to go to the temple last week, which is...tough. I need it so much. But, I'm working hard on being better. I really don't know what I'd do without the gospel. It's so much a part of me, I just couldn't bear to lose it.

I love summer. I like to stay busy. I went through some school withdrawals...mostly journalism. If I'm not writing, I'm dying. :) But summer is for fun, and I'm just trying to enjoy it while it lasts.

Hollow

I'm hurting. So much. I don't get it. My life almost perfect. Sometimes, I have this emptiness that threatens to overtake me. I was fine the whole day, because I was with people, but suddenly when the people leave, I'm empty. I went to the temple today, with Tisha. It was good, but we were both so quiet. Not awkward silence, but just...thinking silence. I've just had such a rough month, and so has she. The temple made me feel protected from the world, like with the Lord anything was possible. But slowly through the day, it faded. I don't want it to fade. I want it to always be with me. I don't know how though. So hard.

Friends-ship

I honestly think that real friendship isn't just talking, or spending friday nights together. No matter how good of friends you think you are with someone, you don't truly know them, until you admit they have flaws. It sounds terrible, but you can think the world of someone, and they're still not perfect. I'm not a friendship expert or anything, but really knowing and loving someone, anyone for that matter, is recognizing that they're human. Sometimes, you can help, and sometimes you can't. And it hurts. It hurts to watch a person you care about struggle with a problem that's out of your hands, but that's where relationships are formed. There's the flip element too, where you have to work things out on your own, and while you can keep others at arms length, it's a completely personal struggle. Friendship is loving people for their imperfections, and in turn, them loving you for yours. And loving yourself.
and it's unbearable.and it's painful.and sometimes being 17 makes you want to rip your hair out.But it all works out, and we'll look back and laugh.Maybe.

Nearing the end

Today was the day.

After hundreds of hours of studying, I finally finished all of my A.P tests.

And I realized something.

There was a quote on one of the essay question that basically said without adversity, joy never comes. This has been so true of late. I've been through so much, with friends, family, and just everybody around me. Life is tough sometimes, and while I can't complain, for some reason, I still hurt. Not all the time, just sometimes.

But this makes it worth it :)

Wadda hecka?

Sometimes, I don't understand myself. I have so much to be grateful for, but I just don't understand why I'm sad. It's not all the time, just when I realize my voice isn't perfect, or that I might not ever fulfill what I want in life.

But, I have so much. So how? How can I appreciate more? I'm selfish. There are people I know that are suffering so much more than I am. I don't understand.

Silly as I am, I'm grateful for the good influences all around me. I'm surrounded by people who love me more than I can comprehend.

And life will go on.

It's about attitude I guess. I'll try harder.

Feelings.

Sometimes, I don't know what i'm feeling.

If it's a crush, or a friendship, or more possibly i'm just silly.
I guess I'm worried about what my friends would think about it too... there is no way to calculate love.

Tonight was the bestest. We played at the park in the wind for hours....and so many people showed up. Even Tisha came after her family dinner. Two hand touch, and moving my body in weird positions has left me extremely exhausted, so let me just say this...

I love my best friends.

Most people say that, but I'm serious. They're just my favorite people, besides my family, that I can have the best time with. When high school ends, life will suck.

Smile.

Content

Spontaneous....is supposed to be spontaneous right? I'm good at that :]

It was so great, it made me smile inside. Sol was SUCH a good date. A great one actually. I think every other guy I've ever been out with is just....not good.

I really appreciate guys with manners. Guys that will open doors, and close windows.

It's just nice, to be treated like something other than the way I'm treated day in and day out.

Yeah?

We went to his house for dinner, which was spectacular. I'm pretty sure the Gardner mom is some kind of secret super-hero.

When we got to the dance, there were four people there, no joke. It filled up eventually, which about the point we left. Bhaha.

So great...so so great.

yestommoroday

Yesterday, I was angry.

I still am, but on a different level.

I guess you could say I'm afraid.

Of responsibility, of losing friendships, of growing up.

It happens.

Sigh...

So what?

Yeah, so I want a lot of things.

It's not secret that I want to be a Mad, and that I want to be Editor-In-Chief.

And you know what? I don't feel bad.

I work my butt off....

and anybody that wants to get in my way can buzz off.

We talked about this.

I don't deserve to be yelled at because I want something.

This sounds terrible, but you know what?

I'm going to get something I want because I deserve to.

I'm not the one putting friendship on the line, but if it has to be that way than FINE.

Bhaha.

Rant.

Swearing. baha.

I'm swearing off boys until April 19th.

Nothing can stop this perilous quest.

Good? Good.

I'm doing okay, I think.

I'm getting sick, and my body feels like death warmed over, but I'm okay.

It's nice to be okay.

So I had a bad day, it happens.

Still good.

Today I saw this guy I used to like, and my thought process went exactly like this:

Don't let him see me.
Sick.
Pee.
Nice shirt.
Where'd he go?
Plan, plan, plan.
Pee.
Oooh, that smelled good.
Nice shirt.
My hair is ugly.
sick.
pee.
Please don't let us see each other.
He's gone.
Oh, I didn't get to talk to him.

That's about the level my minds been working on for 24 hours.

Exausted.

I'm exausted.

My parents have been fighting so much, and I can't figure out why.
It's so frustrating, and the biggest thing I'm afraid of is that they won't be able to work it out.

I think i'm the most scared I've been in my life.

I don't even want to say the D-word, it instills this sense of fear in me.

But tonight, even if it was only for a few hours, my friends made it better.

Thanks guys :]

Spring

I love spring so much.

I walked outside today, and it was gorgeous.

The sun was shining, and it was just col enough so that it nipped at me.

All of the snow is melted.

Of course spring means AP tests, college applications, and projects.

But it was still amazing.

It also means...

SUMMER IS COMING!!

Ben Folds: The Luckiest

Song Lyrics

Wishing, breathing, hoping, feeling.

Today.

I don't know.

Sometimes, I wonder why life is hard. Not my life, but others. I'm not perfect, but what do I have to complain about? I've got food, shelter, and family and friends that love me to death.

But what about the people who don't have it as easy as me? What about Chase, who's suffering in the hospital? What about my mom, whose struggled so much lately? What about people who feel so alone, that they can't talk to anybody?

Maybe, I'm naive. I try to help, I DO, but sometimes I'm such a wimp. I want to reach out and help people, but I can't. Is it shyness? I've never been shy per say.

So I'll just sit here and write about the things that I should be doing.

I shouldn't write this for the world to see, but I'm going to anyway.

Today in sacerment meeting, this returned missionary kept looking at me, if you know what I mean. Cute kid, and he had a great voice, BUT then, he pointed to me in front of the whole ward and used me as an example of how I could teach my friends the gospel.

Can you say awkward?

So my ward, and my parents, are making wedding plans. They told me I would have cute kids.

How strange.

Feelin'

There's so much going on in my world right now... I haven't even taken time to blog.

Bad Allee.

I'm skipping Valentines Day, because I couldn't find anybody to go to sweethearts with. I really don't want to be the girl who is "Anti-Love" or anything, but I'm so confused by the entire male population. They're so on and off that it kills my brain cells.

Tonight...I'm going to the play with Tisha and her broface. Should be fun. I finally get to meet Kristen's famous "Jesse from Emery" haha...

I feel like I'm rambling for no reason.

Lately I've been having all these weird feelings. It's like I'm on the outside of the world looking in. It's not bad I guess, just lonley. That's the other thing... I'm surrounded by so many friends and amazing people that love me, so how could I possibly be lonely? It baffles me.

Part if it is the best friend/boyfriend thing.

I've never had a best friend. All of my close friends from when I was younger have moved away, or gotten lost in the mix. I have the greatest friends in the world, but they've all known each other since they were born. I'm really tight with them, but I'll still never have what they have with each other.

It's really hard to hang out with my friend's boyfriends. It shouldn't be a problem, but it's not so much jealousy as it is wanting to find somebody. I'm silly.

My articles SUCK.

This whole post has been like a really confused clown, hopping from city to city.

I am so weird. The end.

TOP TEN: Current Love Affairs

10. Bagels
9.David Archuleta
8.KanYe West
7.Swim Lessons
6.Ipod Touch
5.Satire
4.Hoodies
3.TISHA. BHAHA.
2.Sleeping
1.Churchball

Muhahaha.

Wherped

So I really wanted to work today.
and hang out, cha know?

But I couldn't get a shift, and nobody really wanted to hang out.

So my family planned a sledding trip, which is fun because despite Alyssa's accident, I love sledding.

Right after planning out this extravagant trip, Jess texts me. She want to hang out.

But I can't.

Then Alyssa and Shawnee call to kidnap me.

But I can't.

Then work calls.

But I can't.

Then Karlie texts me and basically wants me to text her the entire phone list from GFFR.

I did do that. It took forever.

Succccckahs.

#118

Terrible.
This whole week has been terrible.
It's like I'm running myself out, trying to keep up with everybody, but somebody's got me on a leash and everytime the harder I try, the more I choke.
I can't quit, but the I AM choking.
Why me?

The-Beyond-Nasty-Grossness-I-Don't-care-if-I-am-not-using-proper-english-day. Hey.

This week has been terribly nasty.
I mean, not just the "I got dirt under my fingernails" nasty.
I mean the "I'm eating horse intestines on Fear Factor" nasty.

My friends are...changing. I wish I could handle it, the problem is nobody tells me anything. Let me rephrase that, they tell me half of the story.

If you're not going to tell me the whole thing, just don't okay?

There was this comment that bugged me though. "Well I know....she'll only tell her closest friends."

Before today, I thought I was kind of just that.

Meh.

The thing is, it's not just a rumor with some people I half-know.

It's life and death with my best friends.

I hate being out of the loop.

Then, after working on my amazing portfolio for 8 hours, Harward didn't want in until next term.

And, I thought somebody stole my guitar.

My hair was beyond nasty.

BLAH.

This blog has had four nasty-emo posts in a row.

I'm just using it to vent.

Stuck

So close but so far 'cuz I just can't reach you
inches are miles in this game.
Take off the layers
and tell the truth,
before the dawn of shame.

Nothing matters, I'm wasting breath.
I just can't win in the end.
I'm five feet away and your looking behind.
There's nothing left to mend.

We're too far to stop, but we can't keep going.
There's nothing between us but air.
I reach out to touch you, but nothing remains.
Nothing that we shared.

We'll both stand still.
and try to keep going.
But the cliff is high, and the wind is blowing.
We'll figure it out another day,
'Cuz we can't move together, but we can't move away.

Today

Today I had an interview with the Assistant Vice-Principal Gourley.

It was a good interview, but he kept asking me personal questions and it really got me thinking. Do I really know what I want?

You'd think the answer would be yes. After all, I know. I want to be Editor-in-Chief. I want to major in Journalism or if that doesn't work, English. I want be an amazing writer.

He asked me what college I was planning on.

Here's where I hit the wall. I want to be at Northwestern, but my grades are not good enough, and neither is my budget. So I ehhhhed and Ahhhhhed for a bit. I think I know where I want to be, I just don't know how to get there.

He asked my if I do any sports.

I ehhhhh and ahhhhed again and told him I was going to do track.

He asked "Distance?"

Heck no.

I just don't know.

My life is a giant mound of purple play dough, with small bits of white and neon green, waiting to be crafted into a pizza, or a snowman, or whatever I want it to be.

I'm stressed, but happy. Mostly I can't wait for High School to be over. I love the social aspects but I took on too much this year, and I'm just not enjoying it.

ReJect.

My parents have been fighing for three days straight and I'm not really sure why. It's such a source of frustration to me. When I get married I will not fight in front my kids. I intend to stick to that resolution.

I can't decide which is harder, outright rejection or the quiet kind. Either way it's tough. Quiet rejection is slow and painful, like a balloon with a leak. I've been through so much lately, mostly quiet rejection. I know that nobody wants to hurt me, and that's how things go sometimes.

The problem is that most people love me. Really, that sounds stuck-up. What I mean is that when there's somebody that really doesn't like me, it bugs me. I can't force them to like me and they can't make themselves like me. I guess there will always be people that dislike you, and there's nothing you can do about it.

Especially with guys. I either am the most unattractive person on planet earth, or just scare the male population out of their living minds. It's hard.

Rant.