Wherped

So I really wanted to work today.
and hang out, cha know?

But I couldn't get a shift, and nobody really wanted to hang out.

So my family planned a sledding trip, which is fun because despite Alyssa's accident, I love sledding.

Right after planning out this extravagant trip, Jess texts me. She want to hang out.

But I can't.

Then Alyssa and Shawnee call to kidnap me.

But I can't.

Then work calls.

But I can't.

Then Karlie texts me and basically wants me to text her the entire phone list from GFFR.

I did do that. It took forever.

Succccckahs.

#118

Terrible.
This whole week has been terrible.
It's like I'm running myself out, trying to keep up with everybody, but somebody's got me on a leash and everytime the harder I try, the more I choke.
I can't quit, but the I AM choking.
Why me?

The-Beyond-Nasty-Grossness-I-Don't-care-if-I-am-not-using-proper-english-day. Hey.

This week has been terribly nasty.
I mean, not just the "I got dirt under my fingernails" nasty.
I mean the "I'm eating horse intestines on Fear Factor" nasty.

My friends are...changing. I wish I could handle it, the problem is nobody tells me anything. Let me rephrase that, they tell me half of the story.

If you're not going to tell me the whole thing, just don't okay?

There was this comment that bugged me though. "Well I know....she'll only tell her closest friends."

Before today, I thought I was kind of just that.

Meh.

The thing is, it's not just a rumor with some people I half-know.

It's life and death with my best friends.

I hate being out of the loop.

Then, after working on my amazing portfolio for 8 hours, Harward didn't want in until next term.

And, I thought somebody stole my guitar.

My hair was beyond nasty.

BLAH.

This blog has had four nasty-emo posts in a row.

I'm just using it to vent.

Stuck

So close but so far 'cuz I just can't reach you
inches are miles in this game.
Take off the layers
and tell the truth,
before the dawn of shame.

Nothing matters, I'm wasting breath.
I just can't win in the end.
I'm five feet away and your looking behind.
There's nothing left to mend.

We're too far to stop, but we can't keep going.
There's nothing between us but air.
I reach out to touch you, but nothing remains.
Nothing that we shared.

We'll both stand still.
and try to keep going.
But the cliff is high, and the wind is blowing.
We'll figure it out another day,
'Cuz we can't move together, but we can't move away.

Today

Today I had an interview with the Assistant Vice-Principal Gourley.

It was a good interview, but he kept asking me personal questions and it really got me thinking. Do I really know what I want?

You'd think the answer would be yes. After all, I know. I want to be Editor-in-Chief. I want to major in Journalism or if that doesn't work, English. I want be an amazing writer.

He asked me what college I was planning on.

Here's where I hit the wall. I want to be at Northwestern, but my grades are not good enough, and neither is my budget. So I ehhhhed and Ahhhhhed for a bit. I think I know where I want to be, I just don't know how to get there.

He asked my if I do any sports.

I ehhhhh and ahhhhed again and told him I was going to do track.

He asked "Distance?"

Heck no.

I just don't know.

My life is a giant mound of purple play dough, with small bits of white and neon green, waiting to be crafted into a pizza, or a snowman, or whatever I want it to be.

I'm stressed, but happy. Mostly I can't wait for High School to be over. I love the social aspects but I took on too much this year, and I'm just not enjoying it.

ReJect.

My parents have been fighing for three days straight and I'm not really sure why. It's such a source of frustration to me. When I get married I will not fight in front my kids. I intend to stick to that resolution.

I can't decide which is harder, outright rejection or the quiet kind. Either way it's tough. Quiet rejection is slow and painful, like a balloon with a leak. I've been through so much lately, mostly quiet rejection. I know that nobody wants to hurt me, and that's how things go sometimes.

The problem is that most people love me. Really, that sounds stuck-up. What I mean is that when there's somebody that really doesn't like me, it bugs me. I can't force them to like me and they can't make themselves like me. I guess there will always be people that dislike you, and there's nothing you can do about it.

Especially with guys. I either am the most unattractive person on planet earth, or just scare the male population out of their living minds. It's hard.

Rant.